The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph (Transcript) ~ Instant Motivation Hub (IMH)


Thursday, 1 June 2017

The skill of self confidence | Dr. Ivan Joseph (Transcript)

In my past life as a soccer coach, once you win a national championship, everybody wants to come play for you. Really not true, once you pay them $25,000 a year in scholarships, everybody wants to come play for you. An`d parents would always come to me. And they'd say okay I my son or my daughter wants to come play at your University, what is it that we have to do? You know what are you looking for and being the Socratic professor that I am, well what does your son or daughter do what do?  They do they do really well that we'd be interested in and typically their answers are: “well they've got great vision, they're really good, they can see the entire field, or my daughter is the fastest player, there's nobody that can beat her, or my son's got a great left foot or really, really great in the air and can head every ball like….. Not bad, but to be quite honest with you, those are the last things I'm looking for. The most important thing, self-confidence. Without that skill and I use the word skill intentionally, without that skill, we are useless as a soccer player, because when you lose sight or belief in yourself, we're done for.


I use the definition of self-confidence to be the ability or the belief, to believe in yourself to accomplish any task no matter the odds, no matter the difficulty, no matter the adversity.  The belief that you can accomplish it, Self-confidence. something using a great.. I don't have it, I'm so shy out there, I'll never do it I'm going and you…… and you  start to drag all the way down here. But, I used the word skill, because I believe it can be trained. And I'll show you a couple of ways which we do. Hopefully  I won't run out of time, I don't use any slides, because my speech always goes here, here, here. So we'll see which way we get to. The easiest way to build self-confidence, there's no magic button. I can't say this plane is going down who can fly it put your hand up? I can, I'm confident.
Repetition, repetition, repetition right, what does Malcolm Gladwell call it? The 10,000 hour rule. There's no magic button, I recruited a goalie from Colombia South America one year. I big tall six foot three man, uh you know. He had hands like stone. I thought he was like flipper, every time I throw him the ball down down onto the ground, I was like oh my god we're in trouble. Simple solution, get to the wall kick a ball against the wall and catch it. Kick the ball against the wall and catch it. His goal was 350 a day for eight months. He came back his hands were callused, the moisture on his hands were literally gone, He is now playing in Europe magic? no..repetition, repetition, repetition.

The problem is we expect to be self-confident, but we can't be unless the skill or the task we're doing is not novel. Is not new to us.  We want to be in a situation where we've created, we’ve had so much pressure in that and what I mean cos pressure builds diamonds. We want to be in a situation where, hey I've done this a thousand times, I did my speech, I practice in front of the mirror, hey I'm sounding good and then I read in front of my kids, and my wife is like… oh my gosh, a little nervous then I get in front of Glenn cool .Oh my goodness ,I'm a little more nervous. By the time I get to the ACG were 2,500 people can't say any more right 2,500, people, were 2500 people are there, I won't have a single ounce of nervousness, because of my ability to practice right over and over and over again.

The problem with repetition is.  How many of us bail after the first bit of failure? how many a bail after the first bit of adversity? Edison was on that video. It depends who you ask is anywhere from one 1,000 to 10,000 tries to build that light bulb. One thousand to ten thousand JK Rowling should be on that video. The army publisher, she took her Harry Potter book to.  I believe the number was 12 or 13. I don't, I'm pretty confident but after two or three novel I'd be like dang it after six or seven I'm like maybe not. Definitely after nine or ten I'd be looking to be a soccer coach or something else beside author. Right, I mean twelve times somebody said no, but practice practice, practice. And do not accept failure. Maybe it shouldn't be repetition, maybe the answer should be persistence, because we all repeat something, but very few of us really will persist. So that's one way to build self-confidence. Get out there do, what you want to do and accept, Do not accept no.

 The other one is self-talk. We all have a self talk tape that plays in our head. Anybody go shopping and put on a pair of pants this week, if you're a woman the first thing that always comes “damn I look fat in these pants. And if you're a man it's the opposite. Oh god I have no muscle I'm so flabby right. We all have this tape that plays in our head. As a student if they ask me the question, it was like ah she please, please professor don't pick me. I don't know the answer, I don't but I look down right. If You're in the book, when I, let me tell you something and the VP of Business Administration trapeze but when they hired me as an athletic director I sat in an architect's meeting. And I am as bowed as dumb as a post when it comes to anything to do with numbers and angles. And they're like the fun debut later valve of the architectural…. they're there what do you think Dr. Joseph? “ uh let me look into that for you and get back to you right?” I was in a God, God don't, please don't ask me please, don't ask me. We all have this negative self-talk that goes in our head. Guess what, there's enough people that are telling us we can't do it. That we're not good enough, why do we want to tell ourselves that? We know for a fact that thoughts influence actions. We saw it there with the em with the video Sheldon Dr. Levy showed right? We know that our thoughts influence actions, why do we want to say that negative self-talk to ourselves? We need to get our own self affirmations.

Muhammad Ali, what was his self-affirmation? I am the greatest! Who else is going to tell you, there's need to be quiet moments in your bedroom, quiet moments when you're brushing your teeth, that we need to reaffirm. I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate. That is my affirmation I came from a school of 1,000 people, I lived in a town of 1,000 people for 15 years, there's no reason that I should be in charge of national debt apartment building Maple Leaf Gardens. But I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate. If I don't say it, if I don't believe it, no one else will .

How do you build self-confidence? Get away from the people who will tear you down. There's enough of that. Muhammad Ali, I am the greatest, there is no one better than me. It's a difference between hubris and ego and false pride. It's just reminding yourself in quiet, silent moments. I put it down on a list, it's right beside my mirror, right about all the things that make me who I am, because I make enough mistakes and the newspapers will recognize it. And people around me will recognize it, and they'll tear me down and pretty soon I'll begin to believe it. There was a time when my confidence was really low, there was a time when I took this job.  When I came from Iowa I don't know if I could do it. I had to bring out my self-confidence letter, a letter I wrote to myself when I was feeling good.  Ivan congratulations on getting your PhD before 40, congratulation I am 40  under. Congratulations on winning a national championship. Good job and raising three good kids and marrying the right woman. I wrote a letter to myself, it was my own brag sheet, my own letter about the things I was proud of, because there are moments and we'll all experience them in our career, in our life and our job hunting and  our relationships when we are not feeling good about who and what and where we are. And I had to bring out that letter and read it time and time again for a period of about two weeks to weather me through that storm. It was important stop the self-talk, the negative self-talk. If you'll watch you'll see some athletes they'll have a little bandage or a little balm brand around them. Lance Armstrong is a perfect one, what's his self affirmation? LIVESTRONG. Isn't a brand, it was to remind him of who he was. LIVESTRONG then it became a brand. He would move that from one arm to the next arm when doubt and fear came into his mind. LIVESTRONG, put it on there. Let's go we'll all have it, replace it

Two ways to build self-confidence.  Worried about my time. I'm going to tell you of one way that you can build self-confidence in others. We are coaches and educators, we are teachers, We are people who will create value in the world and in doing that, we are critical by the nature of what we do. I'm a coach. I want you to score a goal, ball went over high. Dan get the ball went high, Thank You coach I know that feedback tells me that. So what do we do? “I need you to put your elbow or here, I need you to put your knee over the ball, I need to follow through, boom…….. land great. Notice, I never made it as a professional” What can we do? We fix mistakes, When I'm fixing that mistake. Johnny this is terrible, you need to bend your knee, you need to do this this what have I done to Johnny self-confidence bend your knee figure, this, next thing you know Johnny's crushed. Ignore what Johnny does wrong and find Bob or Sally or Frida over here. Great goal Frida, I loved how you kept your knee low ,you follow through, you landed like this great job. Johnny oooh, great! Johnny's not demoralized, his confidence isn't shot. And what I've done is I've built up Frida’s. Imagine how we could change the way we parented kids instead of “get that glass off the counter what's wrong with you”. If we catch them while they're good. “Great job, great job, thank You Alice for taking your glass to the counter”. Its sounds simple, but we forget about it or as educators or somebody, as a team if we manage to praise the positive behavior that we wanted to reinforce. We forget it sounds so simple, catch them when they're good. We forget it, it's simple. Here's what they did there was a study in Kansas that did this, they did video and we all do video and we showed the video of them doing the run of the play, this goal happened because the basket wasn't protected, we didn't rotate here right, We needed to do this and then cover the slot and if that's the baseline improvement of the Kansas State team went like this.  Then they said they ignored all of that and they just showed them the times they did it right, the times they did it perfect, that presented no goals spoke to the same points, improvement went like that. It changed and revolutionized the way we as coaches interact with our student-athletes. We can apply that to the business world, we can apply that to our student group works ,we can apply that to our management teams ,easily. Catch them when they're good.


 Last and certainly not least, my son is really good at this. Self-confident people interpret feedback the way they choose to.  I asked my son who is by the far terrible terrible athlete. Gets it from his dad, the games they win five nine how's the game? “oh great I scored three goal I got too assists.  I'm like I did not see him touch the puck,” but he has his own perception of how he did. I love it right. I'm the I'm that guy I'm like I remember why I was taking my there's life when I met my wife is in the comments. Paulie I'd like to would you like to go to the movies ladies? dig little thing up and she goes she uh no. I asked her again, cuz I think that she just hasn't seen me in the right light. Maybe that's not the wrong shirt on right, cuz I'm interpreting that the way I want to interpret it. Finally I asked again, she actually gives me this one comment right, there she sent it to her friend cuz that's what you did it back then. He would not, she wouldn't date you unless it was the last person on earth that hell was freezing over. There was a small chance we had to save the planet Earth. Some people's like, there's no chance. I'm like you're saying there's a chance right ?because that's how I'm gonna interpret it. if I could give you one thing to take from this, it is no one will believe in you, unless you do. Listen to the words of that video, here's to the crazy ones, The Misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes. We're supposed to be different folks and when people look at us believe in yourself, thank you.

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